the end (?)

I found an old poem today as I was packing up the desk that has held copious amounts of paperwork, assignments, cards, books, and other junk all year.
I think (?) someone gave me a copy of the poem several months ago. It spoke to me at the time but was promptly forgotten about as I carried on with the insanity that was my life at the time.
 Anyway it spoke to me again today, and so I thought I would share it with you.


'Do you Trust Me, ....?"
by Wendell Berry

Whatever is forseen in joy
Must be lived out from day to day
Vision held open in the dark
By our ten thousand days of work.
Harvest will fill the barn; for that
The hand must ache, the face must sweat
And yet no leaf or grain is filled
By work of ours; the field is tilled
And left to grace. That we may reap,
Great work is done while we're asleep.
When we work well, a sabboth mood
Rests on our day, and finds it good.


 The poem holds a number of truths for me.. and as I reflect on the year (the three years!) that has been, it is more clear than ever to me that it is literally nothing but grace that has brought me this far.

That's not to say it hasn't been hard work. My hands have definitely ached and my face sweat more than a few times. But in the end, the transformation in my life has not occurred thanks to working hard. More times than I can count I have thrown my hands in the air, and often even out loud said "ok God, this is all I've got! If all of this is going to be for any good at all, You better step in and do your thing, because this is literally all I've got."

 Without really even realizing it, I have become to depend on grace more than I ever have in my life. I have become more dependent on God than I ever have been in my life.

In retrospect, this journey has been about 10% about becoming a midwife, and 90% about learning through trial and fire how extremely and overwhelmingly incredible it is to live in the freedom of being deeply loved by God. It has changed me. I personally believe that this change has been for the better, and that it comes through in my personal relationships, my lifestyle, and in passion for midwifery.

All I can speak from is personal experience, and that's all I mean to share here. Everyone has a different journey, a different story. But I am pretty excited about my story, and I am so grateful for a place to express that!

These have been some of the hardest years of my life. But they have also been some of the richest, and most meaningful. I have developed deep relationships, made meaningful connections and discoveries about life and love, and have been supported, encouraged, and mentored by some of the most caring people, the most compassionate midwives, some of the wisest truth-seeking people, both at home and in this new place I have come to call home..

At the end of it all I am pleased and grateful to call myself midwife (although I know legally that is still a no-no ..don't get our exam results & registration until February!), but I am even more pleased to love and to be loved..A love that flows in and through me from the perfecter and creator of love, a love that has been cultivated and grown despite my anxieties and misgivings. It is a gift, and I am so pleased to receive it.

 I still have a long way to go... And the future is going to include a lot of really hard work- probably even some more ache and sweat. But I can and do honestly choose to believe, with my hope securely fastened to the only thing that won't change in this life, that the grace that has brought me safely thus far will also go before me and lead me home. The best is yet to come!

Safe

When was the last time you felt completely, 100%, emotionally, mentally, and physically safe?

When was it? Where was it? The last place that you could let every guard down, lay every worry down, and could simply and completely rest?

This isn’t something that we normally think about consciously. 

However, everyone has at least someplace they love to be, and I would be willing to bet that part of this love for a place is the comfort and security that comes with it. 

I am blessed to have a few places like this..

One is the breakfast table in my parents home – the home I grew up in and that still holds part of me, the part I leave behind every time I walk out the door. Breakfasts have always been special to my family, I’m not sure why. I think my dad likes them and it may have something to do with his mom and breakfasts of his childhood. Whatever the reasons, Shaw family breakfasts are not to be missed if humanly possible. We have all had times where we have gone out of our way to either wake up early, delay travel plans, or rearrange schedules to ensure we are all together when one of these breakfast events is planned to occur. And it is always worth it.

When I have my dad, my mom, my brothers and sisters and my man sitting around me and a giant omelette or a stack of crepes sitting in the middle of the table, every worry and earthly care disappears and I am able to simply and completely exist in the moment. I am loved. I am safe. Whatever the day may bring can wait. It is a new morning, a beautiful moment, and my cup overflows with nourishment – spiritually, emotionally, and physically!

Another one of my ‘safe’ places is at the home of my husbands dad and step-mum. My reaction to being in their home is actually physically tangible. The sense of peace and wellbeing that comes over me when spending time with this family of mine usually results in extreme tiredness and a complete loss of energy as I let go of my daily cares and just rest. I always sleep well in this home, and there are not many places I can think of that are cozier,  or where I feel more secure, more safe. I think partly this is due to the fact that when my husband and I visit it is usually a bit of a getaway, even if only for a night or two. It has always been a bit of an escape for us from the demands of ‘real life’, a place to reflect and relax and love and be loved -there aren’t any other places or people we would rather escape to! I think another reason I associate this home with coziness and rest is because the last few years I have always visited in wintertime, when long evenings, hot drinks, popcorn, jigsaw puzzles and Pride & Prejudice (the BBC version- obviously) lend themselves very well to feelings of cozy security! However, I feel deeply that the real reason I am at peace in this home is because of the love that flows through it – from God through the heats of the people I love.

Do you have places like this?

I have a story to share with you about something that happened to me today. Something that surprised me, and made me start thinking about all of this safe-place business.

We were driving down the busy, crowded street in slow traffic. The sun was setting and the air was smoky and dusty. It was hot, humid. The air was tense like it needed to rain – it hasn’t rained in over a week, which is rare for this place and this time of year.

Basically everything about every moment I spend in this country is completely out of my comfort zone, and this evening was no exception. If I had an ‘unsafe place’ list, this would be up there near the top. I have been a nervous-nelly since arriving, aka a panic-attack-waiting-to-happen.

But tonight something strange happened. All of a sudden, as we were driving down the highway and swerving to avoid potholes, I felt safe. It actually startled me! I wasn’t expecting it. But all of a sudden, in the middle of a little island in the south pacific and away from every person I love most, I felt as safe as if I were sitting at the breakfast table with my family, or cuddled up in the cozy bed at my in-laws with a fire blazing the next room. It only lasted a few moments. Just long enough to recognize what I was feeling, long enough to sigh and smile and let everything I’m worried about float out the window and into the dusty abyss outside, and long enough to thank God for the moment I was in. It was an incredible feeling – one of being completely free, at peace, and deeply loved.

Whoa. This is new.

I know this sounds cliché, but something just happened to me tonight that has ‘opened my eyes’ for lack of a better phrase. Something that has never happened to me before.

Did you know it was possible to feel safe like I described earlier no matter where you are?! I did not know it. I knew it was right to choose to trust God no matter what, and to believe that he is taking care of me no matter what…But to actually feel safe as a result? I did not know it. I actually did not believe it was possible. I hadn’t even considered it, to be honest.

I have realized again what an incredible God we serve. What a loving God we serve (that point deserved italics AND bolding).

I have also realized that those times and places where I feel safest and most secure - Those are the times and places that I am experiencing His love. Most of the time this is indirectly, through the people He has put in my life to love and be loved by. But sometimes, and this is new for me, we can experience His love for us regardless of our surroundings.

We can feel safe and secure no matter where we are when the source of our security is Christ Himself. This is incredible!!!  It is something I have never experienced before.

I am praying prayers of thanksgiving tonight, and also praying for more of the peace and security I experienced for those brief moments this evening (it was literally only about 1 minute!)… But it was enough to give me hope. I hope I can have more moments like that, and I hope I can use them to reflect His love and peace back to those around me, no matter where I am. I don’t know how to create this sense of safety – I don’t think it’s humanly possible, actually… I’ve definitely tried and failed many times.

But I definitely know beyond all doubt that God cares deeply for me, and for you. He is a God that longs to keep us satisfied, secure, and deeply loved, as we choose to put Him first in our every day lives. As we choose Him to be our source of security.

Have you had experiences like this? Feeling safe when your brain or surroundings tell you you shouldn't? I would love to hear about them, or about how you experience safety, and what makes you feel secure…

Free!!!....for the moment:)

I've just finished my last day on labour ward in the south pacific.

To say I'm feeling relieved is a bit of an understatement! The other prevailing emotion is gratefulness for this incredible experience and that I have come through it in one piece (mostly, anyway)!
 I really want to thank you all for your encouragement, and for your prayers for courage and safety - they have been answered over and over again. God has been continually encouraging me, more and more convincingly, to trust Him with the little and large things of life.

There has been a continual string of little moments, and few very big ones, since I arrived here where I have had to choose outright to trust Him with my life. We really are all in His hands, and I feel that we (I!) waste copious amounts of energy attempting to keep ourselves safe and free, and happy, and organized, all at the same time, instead of resting in the freedom that comes with knowing that someone (a powerful someone) cares more about us more than we care about ourselves! Every time I choose to believe that, I feel just a smidgen lighter.

After more births, and coming into contact with more bodily fluid (it seriously cannot be avoided), and even coming into too close of contact with a sharp instrument today (on my last day, of all days...It was "the right side of close" as my dear dad would say), and after a moment of overwhelming anxiety that my life was literally at stake (anyone who knows me well will know this is no understatement), I was actually able to stand up tall and accept that my Father is watching over me, and loves me deeply. I let out a heavy sigh and let my fear go with it. Each moment is a gift, and it feels so right to be thankful rather than afraid. To accept what comes, and to know that all will be well in the end.
Oh anxiety and the dangers that come with living life to its fullest...What great opportunities to choose again to trust my God!! (I just tell myself this 10000x a day and I'm good to go;)

 333 babies have been born at this hospital since I arrived almost 4 weeks ago, and I have caught 21 of them. There are many stories to tell...Ask me one day when we are together again (which i hope will be very soon)!!

 I had a lovely farewell at the staff Christmas party this afternoon, and was blessed with beautiful gifts, kind words, and memories I will never forget. The women that have dedicated their lives to serving in this labour ward have my utmost respect and admiration. They are not perfect (no one is), but they are incredibly strong, and deeply kind..The one who found me hiding in a corner after my needle-stick incident even told me about all the times she's been in the same situation, and worse. She hugged me and prayed for me - such lovely sisters these women are! I am blessed to know them, and I will continue to pray for them and the work they face.
I will upload a few photos of the festivities as well as the labour ward itself once I am back to cheap internet in NZ.

 I am going 'home' to Dunedin next week. I will have a couple of days to catch my breath and to catch up on our last major assignment (a presentation on sustainable midwifery practice) before our final week of seminars and exam preparation.
 I have a feeling it is going to be a whirlwind couple of weeks...Good thing I'm getting used to that.

After my final exam on December 9th I will be flying home to Canada (HOME sweet home, oh my heart aches for home these days!) for Christmas with my family. I CANNOT WAIT (!!!!!)
But I will...And I will even try to appreciate the moments in the meantime!

Oh to be happy!

***...I've just been updating my blog a wee bit and noticed this post for 11/2012 that for some reason went unpublished. Just hitting the publish button now because although don't remember the circumstances surrounding writing it, it rings true for me and brought a smile to my face today! Hope it does to your as well. ***

Happiness is so relative. So dependent on so many fluctuating factors. So transient, so easy to find but even easier to lose. And yet we chase it, hunt for it, like it's caffeine for the soul, and we're desperate for another fix.
What's wrong with not being happy? Why do we hate it so much? After all, sadness, anger, frustration, indifference, aren't these all just emotions, and can't the same be said about happiness? It's just another state of mind. Different in experience, yet biologically and physiologically similar to so many other feelings. So what's the big deal?
 I think one of the problems with happiness is that it's unrealistic. Think about it. Always just out of reach. We can imagine it, picture it, envision it, plan for it. We might even grasp it every now and then. That perfectly 'happy' moment, when life is as it should be and all is right in our own little world. But it doesn't last. It can't. It's not real life. It's imaginary. Like planning on winning the lottery or building a castle in Neverland, planning on one day becoming ''happy'' for the rest of your life is just a bit of a fairytale.

So what? What do we work for then? What could be worth pursuing more than a happy life and a happy family?

How about something real. Something that you can feel in your bones is good and worth every minute of your thoughts and every ounce of your energy. Something that is accessible and tangible and satisfying, that leaves you content and at peace with who you are as an individual. Something that is rewarding.
I'm talking about love.
It's a pretty crazy thing. When you think about it, it's also pretty hard to define. It encompasses and embraces so many different emotions and good feelings: joy, peace, even happiness. But it also throws a cozy blanket over some of the harder ones. It can be at the very heart of sadness, can result in raging anger, and can lend a hand in frustrating and indifferent circumstances.
 It's also just so satisfying, and so accessible. Those are the two things I love about love ;) You don't need to hunt and chase and grasp and miss it, you just have to do it! Love. That guy on the street, that kid in the grocery store, your mom, your flatmate, even your dog.
Make the conscious choice to love, and to receive and accept love in return. It's real, and it's so worth it.

Week 1: Elective placement in the South Pacfic

***Minor details of the following stories have been changed in order to protect confidentiality of the women and staff I have been working with on my overseas elective placement. Confidentiality is an important aspect to my work and not something I would sacrifice willingly! ****

...I walked in the labour ward on the morning of Friday, the 18th of October 2013 tentatively optimistic about what the day would have in store, armed with insect repellant and hand sanitizer. I had already had two full days of overwhelming orientation to birth in the Pacific Islands. I had assumed that being within a few short weeks of formally finishing my midwifery training would have me at least somewhat prepared for what I would find on this placement. I expected to be working somewhat independently, and under somewhat challenging circumstances.

It turns out "somewhat" is the understatement of the year. I determined quickly that a routine of sanitizing and insect-repelling every hour or after every birth (depending on which came first) would protect my OCD-inclined mind if nothing else. I also became exceedingly grateful for every minute of my formal and informal midwifery training within the first hour of my experience at this particular base hospital.

 ..On this particular morning I pushed open the sticky double doors, dodged the nighttime nurse aid who was mopping up a bit of a spill, and saw my colleague-of-sorts, a medical student from Australia in his last year of training who had arrived just days before me, and was certainly just as culture shocked. He was at the end of the delivery ward corridor, staring blankly through the glass window into the baby treatment room. I joined him and said good-morning, while peering through the smudged glass myself. I saw what appeared to be an extremely small infant wrapped in too-big blankets, left under a heater beside an oxygen mask. It was impossible to tell if it was breathing but in all honesty I didn't really want to know if it wasn't*. Alex looked at me and raised his eyebrows questioningly. I shrugged and turned around, heading back down the corridor of delivery rooms, toward the First Stage room where women labour together while waiting their turn to give birth. Alex followed and on our way we could hear and see and smell post-delivery damage-control and suturing in progress..It was 8:30 am, already unbearably hot, and my stomach turned....And, to borrow from author Jane Yeadon, "not for the first time in a career on which I was so determined, I wondered why on earth I was pursuing it".

We made it down to the First Stage room and opened the double doors to find about 4 women sprawled on plastic covered mattresses, a ceiling fan whirring overhead, and blood splattered all over the floor. We looked at each other and had to laugh.
"Well, what a great way to start a day!" Alex chimed with an I'm-so-overwhelmed-I-dont-know-what-else-to-say smile.
"We better go get changed and join the fun..." I grumbled as we dispersed.


After we were dressed, sanitized, and the insects were repelled, we returned to the first stage room.  One of the woman labouring was carrying suspected twins. Neither she nor the midwives were sure, or seemed to care much one way or the other. Alex and I did not understand this laid back attitude toward what she could potentially be carrying in her uterus and we attempted in our recently trained naiveness to figure it out. I relied on my abdominal palpation skills and Alex dragged out an old sonogram machine he was sure he could get working well enough to detect twins on scan. While we were mucking around with all of this, the woman informed one of the midwives she was ready to give birth. The midwife instructed me to check her cervical dilation, which I did behind the privacy of a curtain on what they called the 'VE bed'. She was fully dilated and a baby was indeed ready to come, at +3 station, which means it is basically one push away! We were off to delivery room 4, through the double doors and down the corridor with the baby treatment room at the end.
It was decided that I would facilitate the delivery, Alex would watch and a midwife would supervise within earshot if we needed her. I was terrified, as my only experience of twin births so far involve many machines, many doctors, lots of equipment, at least 2 midwives, and "ideally" an epidural. All I had were my two hands, a metal bed, a rubber mat, a bucket, some injectable drugs to control bleeding, and a woman who was ready to push her baby ('s) out!
 My prediction on the baby being about one push away was correct. After it was out, crying in all its glory, the midwife and I both assessed the woman's abdomen and determined that it (thankfully) did not contain another baby. The mother seemed very happy with this news as well. I don't know if the fact that she already had 2 children had anything to do with it ;)

The day before had been an intense days, with Alex and I both facilitating three births each and witnessing several more, including some complications and one footling breech birth. We were hot and tired and still a bit shell-shocked. So after the twins-that-turned-out-not-to-be we left to find some coconuts for lunch and bring them back for the staff.

 Coconuts here are more delicious than anything I have tasted in a long time. After using a straw to drink the copious amount of amazingly sweet and tastes-like-its-good-for-you water inside (which, I have been informed, has actually been used as IV fluid in times when desperate measures need to be taken and saline fluid is not available), the coconut is smashed on any rock or hard thing you can find and the creamy white flesh scooped out with a spoon, or your hands (don't forget the sanitizer!) if you don't have access to proper cutlery. They are so filling and refreshing, they almost make for an entire meal - especially in the heat when the last thing you feel like doing is eating anything!

 So it honestly did turn out to be a good day in the end. I didn't attend any more births but hung out with some labouring women and midwives for a few hours in the afternoon before heading off for a cold drink in the amazingly air-conditioned ex-pat cafe in town (where all the white people hide during the hottest hours of the day...)
After facilitating 6 births in 3 days I was happy to leave early and take a few hours to myself in the afternoon. The hospital staff are so incredibly supportive and caring, and were very happy for me to head away early as well.

 I took some time to reflect on how fortunate I am to be here. To experience a different culture and a different way of life, birth, death..Although I am terrified of catching everything from Hepatitis to Dengue Fever to everything in between, I am so grateful that I can be confident and sure that God has brought me here with a purpose in mind. If I was not sure of that fact I think it would be much more challenging. But at every opportunity possible He is reminding me that He is good and that He can be trusted (I feel badly that I still need such constant reminders, but it's true..). I think He has been preparing my heart and mind for this adventure for a long time. I often look around at the hospital, at women birthing on what needs to be an efficient production line (3000-4000 births a year!), at the rubber mats being hosed down between deliveries (not much is thought of hygiene here), and at the blood I am rinsing off of my hands and feet every few hours (flipflops/jandals are normal footwear on shift!), and just shake my head in disbelief that I am actually here doing this! It is not something I would have or could have had the courage to do even a year ago. And so I am grateful for the reminders that not only does God care, but that He loves me more than I love myself and He has plans in store for my life and my abilities that are more exciting than anything I could come up with!

I was needing some reassurance the other day after a particularly shocking encounter with a larger amount of blood that I would have liked to be covered in. There was nothing I could do about it at the time, and my over-anxious mind was going crazy with the potential ramifications of who knows what blood-born bacteria and disease I could have been exposed to.
I am not one for the whole "flipping open the bible and verses jumping out at you" thing as I've found it to be a bit cliche and not something I've experienced with any real conviction. But after that incident I came home and literally flicked on my 'bible app' and without so much as a search or turn of the page I read these words that Jesus spoke to his followers:

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)

...You mean I don't have to be afraid? I can actually trust that God cares for me and will protect me? Why do I have to learn this lesson new again every single day!?

Great is His patience and faithfulness, and so thankful is my weak mind and heart!











*The small baby we saw in the morning had died the night before, being only 28 weeks (ish) gestation and with no Pediatrician available. Even if there was one, there is not the capacity to care for such small infants in the neonatal unit here, and most born before about 33 weeks do not survive.
.I delivered (and yes for those birth-fanatics out there I am using this term intentionally..I will explain why in a later post) a baby on Wednesday that was about 31 or 32 weeks, the mother was unsure and she had had no antenatal care. She was admitted to hospital two days before the baby was born with Malaria. Apparently this is a common cause of preterm birth in the tropics. Anyway, the baby fell into my hands and I was extremely shocked at its size..a tiny baby boy. It was not obvious on abdonimal palpation that it was so small. He was able to stay skin-to-skin with its mother and cried vigorously right away - a great sign! We were able to drip feed him some colostrum from the mothers breast before he was taken to the neonatal unit. I stopped by the next day and he appeared to be doing well. Maybe he will be a lucky one - only time will tell.

Life, in all its glory

 The hip bone's connected to the, birth bone....
.....
....Ok, ok. So maybe there is no birth bone. Maybe its actually the fusion of pelvic, ishium, and sacral bones that make up the pelvic girdle which facilitates the mechanism of normal labour. And maybe my head is about to explode due to the amount of anatomy and physiology crammed within it.

I have nearly 5 weeks left of the regularly scheduled midwifery yr 1 program. It's hard to believe it's coming to a close so quickly. I feel like the pace is so fast that I am barely able to grasp a concept before rushing on to understand the next. Never mind leaving time for anything to soak it or percolate or solidify in my brain, there is no time for that. Within the last 6 weeks, I have written 4 term papers. The topics were Sustainability in midwifery practice, Maori health and the Treaty of Waitangi, Nutrition for the childbearing year, and a case study on the childbirth experience of one of my clients. I am currently working on my 5th (and thank God, final) big assignment of the year, which is a portfolio of evidence, proving that I have achieved several competencies set out by the NZ college of midwives and modified for first year students. I go in tomorrow morning to review the portfolio with my student practice facilitator, who will then give me feedback from many of the women and midwives I have worked with this year, and will give me my final mark for the particular class that the portfolio represents.
 Oi.
Honestly, I think the worst part of all of this is not remembering half of what I've written. How can you, when there is just SO MUCH to do?
 Although, it's not like I haven't been distracted by other aspects of life as well.

 Stevens been living up in Wellington since the beginning of October. He was here in Dunedin with me for about three weeks before he got a job and moved up there. Our current 'plan' (if you can call it that) is that I will be moving up there as well once I'm done for the year here, and will be transferring and completing 2nd and 3rd year in Wellington.
He's been looking for work down here in Dunedin since he moved, but so far every opportunity has fallen through. The doors are not opening, as it were.
 Needless to say it's been a bit stressful. Steven hardly knows anyone up there apart from the folks he works with, and is definitely feeling the same pain that I felt back in February when I was first left to fend for myself in Dunedin.
 It's not easy. He wants to be here, and I want him to be here. But it seems like there may be a bigger plan in the works than either of us are aware of.

  It also won't be easy to leave this beautiful city that I have called home for the past 10 months. I really, truly love it here. God has blessed me with an abundance of real, authentic friendships, with opportunities to serve in my church and in my wider community doing things that I simply love to do. And every couple of weeks when I crawl out of the school library for some company and fresh air, I am completely amazed once again by the beauty that surrounds me. I am still discovering new beaches, mountains, coves, rivers, forest walks and everything in between and hearing of many more such spots that I haven't been able to get to yet, all within just a few minutes of my back door. Add to this the joy of friendship, the smell of campfire and the roar of the ocean waves and yes, it makes it very hard to leave.
 Also I think there is more to it than that. There is something about establishing yourself as an individual, away from the safety and security of family and familiar faces and places.. There is something about new growth..Spiritual, personal, humbling, it-hurts-but-you-know-its-good-for-you type growth, your-mom-and-dad-aren't-here-so-you-have-to-do-it-yourself type growth...I guess really it's growing-up type growth, that kind of attaches you to the place and space that facilitated it.

 I truly, truly believe that God can take every and any situation, no matter how bad it may seem to be, and bring good out of it. Even if we cannot see what that good is initially (or sometimes ever in this life), I believe deep in my core that His promises are true, that He is a safe and good God, and that He can use all situations in our life for His glory. I am so incredibly thankful for this year, and that He has shown me the truth of such things. I honestly felt like it was the worst decision I had ever made coming over here and letting my husband leave me alone in a foreign country last February. I was distraught, upset, confused, and didn't know why it had to happen that way. I couldn't see the forest through the trees, and couldn't see past the end of my nose to realize that maybe God had bigger plans for me this year than attending to my immediate happiness and comfort. It's amazing how much it takes sometimes to make us truly see and appreciate our relationship with God. I'm ashamed to admit that it literally took Him removing every aspect of comfort from my life for me to ''get it'', and begin to rely not on my mom or my husband or even my precious puppy for love and companionship, but on God and God alone.
 It took some time. Time that I would not have given as completely or as willingly if I had been living with my husband. That much is true, and is not something I would have, or could have, realized or admitted last February.

And that, in a nutshell, is why I am trusting God about this move to Wellington. Although it will break me in a lot of ways, and it will undo a lot of work I have put into building my community around me this year, I have to remember that the last time I was broken, God provided and filled my life in ways I never could have imagined. Although it will be hard, I want to give Him the opportunity to show me whats next. I want to be willing to be broken, displaced, and maybe even a little scared. Not knowing what next year will bring means that I can leave it fully and completely in the hands of the One who not only knows whats best for me, but also whats best for my husband, my marriage, our life together and our hearts to serve and glorify Him.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11

 

 

²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
 Matthew 6:25-34

Wellington

<3

Baby, get ready (written January 1st 2011)

2010. Over and done. Never to be repeated again for the rest of time (thank God).
2011. It has a future-ish ring to it, doesn't it?

The new year brings with it so many new things. New hopes, new fears, new resolutions, new determination.

New reflection of the past year and the memories it holds, both good and bad.
New anticipation about what this new year will bring.

I am so excited for so many things this year!
I really can't wait to meet my classmates and teachers and start school..Because once I've started I'm just that much closer to being finished..To being a midwife!!

Three years from today, January 1st 2014, I will have caught multiple babies. I will have gotten up in the middle of the night to attend a woman in labour. I will have learned more about the anatomy and physiology of pregnancy and childbirth than I can even imagine at this point. I will have already loved and hated almost every aspect of my future job and life, probably often at the same time. I will feel confident and knowledgeable about current research and common obstetrical practices. I will be able to share this knowledge with new parents, and if I cannot answer their questions myself I will know where to look to find the answers. I will know the importance of nutrition for pregnancy and breastfeeding.

I do have a few very good memories from 2010. New friendships were grown, and  a few very special old ones rekindled. We brought home our dear doggy, traveled to Belize and saw Brad Paisley, Darius Rucker, and Carrie Underwood in concert. We watched hockey games, walked our dog, ate food. We loved and were loved by our wonderful families, who we have been so blessed to live close to.

Old year, we will miss you, but won't forget. New year, so much in store!