***...I've just been updating my blog a wee bit and noticed this post for 11/2012 that for some reason went unpublished. Just hitting the publish button now because although don't remember the circumstances surrounding writing it, it rings true for me and brought a smile to my face today! Hope it does to your as well. ***
Happiness is so relative. So dependent on so many fluctuating factors. So transient, so easy to find but even easier to lose. And yet we chase it, hunt for it, like it's caffeine for the soul, and we're desperate for another fix.
What's wrong with not being happy? Why do we hate it so much? After all, sadness, anger, frustration, indifference, aren't these all just emotions, and can't the same be said about happiness? It's just another state of mind. Different in experience, yet biologically and physiologically similar to so many other feelings. So what's the big deal?
I think one of the problems with happiness is that it's unrealistic. Think about it. Always just out of reach. We can imagine it, picture it, envision it, plan for it. We might even grasp it every now and then. That perfectly 'happy' moment, when life is as it should be and all is right in our own little world. But it doesn't last. It can't. It's not real life. It's imaginary. Like planning on winning the lottery or building a castle in Neverland, planning on one day becoming ''happy'' for the rest of your life is just a bit of a fairytale.
So what? What do we work for then? What could be worth pursuing more than a happy life and a happy family?
How about something real. Something that you can feel in your bones is good and worth every minute of your thoughts and every ounce of your energy. Something that is accessible and tangible and satisfying, that leaves you content and at peace with who you are as an individual. Something that is rewarding.
I'm talking about love.
It's a pretty crazy thing. When you think about it, it's also pretty hard to define. It encompasses and embraces so many different emotions and good feelings: joy, peace, even happiness. But it also throws a cozy blanket over some of the harder ones. It can be at the very heart of sadness, can result in raging anger, and can lend a hand in frustrating and indifferent circumstances.
It's also just so satisfying, and so accessible. Those are the two things I love about love ;) You don't need to hunt and chase and grasp and miss it, you just have to do it! Love. That guy on the street, that kid in the grocery store, your mom, your flatmate, even your dog.
Make the conscious choice to love, and to receive and accept love in return. It's real, and it's so worth it.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Week 1: Elective placement in the South Pacfic
***Minor details of the following stories have been changed in order to protect confidentiality of the women and staff I have been working with on my overseas elective placement. Confidentiality is an important aspect to my work and not something I would sacrifice willingly! ****
...I walked in the labour ward on the morning of Friday, the 18th of October 2013 tentatively optimistic about what the day would have in store, armed with insect repellant and hand sanitizer. I had already had two full days of overwhelming orientation to birth in the Pacific Islands. I had assumed that being within a few short weeks of formally finishing my midwifery training would have me at least somewhat prepared for what I would find on this placement. I expected to be working somewhat independently, and under somewhat challenging circumstances.
It turns out "somewhat" is the understatement of the year. I determined quickly that a routine of sanitizing and insect-repelling every hour or after every birth (depending on which came first) would protect my OCD-inclined mind if nothing else. I also became exceedingly grateful for every minute of my formal and informal midwifery training within the first hour of my experience at this particular base hospital.
..On this particular morning I pushed open the sticky double doors, dodged the nighttime nurse aid who was mopping up a bit of a spill, and saw my colleague-of-sorts, a medical student from Australia in his last year of training who had arrived just days before me, and was certainly just as culture shocked. He was at the end of the delivery ward corridor, staring blankly through the glass window into the baby treatment room. I joined him and said good-morning, while peering through the smudged glass myself. I saw what appeared to be an extremely small infant wrapped in too-big blankets, left under a heater beside an oxygen mask. It was impossible to tell if it was breathing but in all honesty I didn't really want to know if it wasn't*. Alex looked at me and raised his eyebrows questioningly. I shrugged and turned around, heading back down the corridor of delivery rooms, toward the First Stage room where women labour together while waiting their turn to give birth. Alex followed and on our way we could hear and see and smell post-delivery damage-control and suturing in progress..It was 8:30 am, already unbearably hot, and my stomach turned....And, to borrow from author Jane Yeadon, "not for the first time in a career on which I was so determined, I wondered why on earth I was pursuing it".
We made it down to the First Stage room and opened the double doors to find about 4 women sprawled on plastic covered mattresses, a ceiling fan whirring overhead, and blood splattered all over the floor. We looked at each other and had to laugh.
"Well, what a great way to start a day!" Alex chimed with an I'm-so-overwhelmed-I-dont-know-what-else-to-say smile.
"We better go get changed and join the fun..." I grumbled as we dispersed.
After we were dressed, sanitized, and the insects were repelled, we returned to the first stage room. One of the woman labouring was carrying suspected twins. Neither she nor the midwives were sure, or seemed to care much one way or the other. Alex and I did not understand this laid back attitude toward what she could potentially be carrying in her uterus and we attempted in our recently trained naiveness to figure it out. I relied on my abdominal palpation skills and Alex dragged out an old sonogram machine he was sure he could get working well enough to detect twins on scan. While we were mucking around with all of this, the woman informed one of the midwives she was ready to give birth. The midwife instructed me to check her cervical dilation, which I did behind the privacy of a curtain on what they called the 'VE bed'. She was fully dilated and a baby was indeed ready to come, at +3 station, which means it is basically one push away! We were off to delivery room 4, through the double doors and down the corridor with the baby treatment room at the end.
It was decided that I would facilitate the delivery, Alex would watch and a midwife would supervise within earshot if we needed her. I was terrified, as my only experience of twin births so far involve many machines, many doctors, lots of equipment, at least 2 midwives, and "ideally" an epidural. All I had were my two hands, a metal bed, a rubber mat, a bucket, some injectable drugs to control bleeding, and a woman who was ready to push her baby ('s) out!
My prediction on the baby being about one push away was correct. After it was out, crying in all its glory, the midwife and I both assessed the woman's abdomen and determined that it (thankfully) did not contain another baby. The mother seemed very happy with this news as well. I don't know if the fact that she already had 2 children had anything to do with it ;)
The day before had been an intense days, with Alex and I both facilitating three births each and witnessing several more, including some complications and one footling breech birth. We were hot and tired and still a bit shell-shocked. So after the twins-that-turned-out-not-to-be we left to find some coconuts for lunch and bring them back for the staff.
Coconuts here are more delicious than anything I have tasted in a long time. After using a straw to drink the copious amount of amazingly sweet and tastes-like-its-good-for-you water inside (which, I have been informed, has actually been used as IV fluid in times when desperate measures need to be taken and saline fluid is not available), the coconut is smashed on any rock or hard thing you can find and the creamy white flesh scooped out with a spoon, or your hands (don't forget the sanitizer!) if you don't have access to proper cutlery. They are so filling and refreshing, they almost make for an entire meal - especially in the heat when the last thing you feel like doing is eating anything!
So it honestly did turn out to be a good day in the end. I didn't attend any more births but hung out with some labouring women and midwives for a few hours in the afternoon before heading off for a cold drink in the amazingly air-conditioned ex-pat cafe in town (where all the white people hide during the hottest hours of the day...)
After facilitating 6 births in 3 days I was happy to leave early and take a few hours to myself in the afternoon. The hospital staff are so incredibly supportive and caring, and were very happy for me to head away early as well.
I took some time to reflect on how fortunate I am to be here. To experience a different culture and a different way of life, birth, death..Although I am terrified of catching everything from Hepatitis to Dengue Fever to everything in between, I am so grateful that I can be confident and sure that God has brought me here with a purpose in mind. If I was not sure of that fact I think it would be much more challenging. But at every opportunity possible He is reminding me that He is good and that He can be trusted (I feel badly that I still need such constant reminders, but it's true..). I think He has been preparing my heart and mind for this adventure for a long time. I often look around at the hospital, at women birthing on what needs to be an efficient production line (3000-4000 births a year!), at the rubber mats being hosed down between deliveries (not much is thought of hygiene here), and at the blood I am rinsing off of my hands and feet every few hours (flipflops/jandals are normal footwear on shift!), and just shake my head in disbelief that I am actually here doing this! It is not something I would have or could have had the courage to do even a year ago. And so I am grateful for the reminders that not only does God care, but that He loves me more than I love myself and He has plans in store for my life and my abilities that are more exciting than anything I could come up with!
I was needing some reassurance the other day after a particularly shocking encounter with a larger amount of blood that I would have liked to be covered in. There was nothing I could do about it at the time, and my over-anxious mind was going crazy with the potential ramifications of who knows what blood-born bacteria and disease I could have been exposed to.
I am not one for the whole "flipping open the bible and verses jumping out at you" thing as I've found it to be a bit cliche and not something I've experienced with any real conviction. But after that incident I came home and literally flicked on my 'bible app' and without so much as a search or turn of the page I read these words that Jesus spoke to his followers:
"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)
...You mean I don't have to be afraid? I can actually trust that God cares for me and will protect me? Why do I have to learn this lesson new again every single day!?
Great is His patience and faithfulness, and so thankful is my weak mind and heart!
*The small baby we saw in the morning had died the night before, being only 28 weeks (ish) gestation and with no Pediatrician available. Even if there was one, there is not the capacity to care for such small infants in the neonatal unit here, and most born before about 33 weeks do not survive.
.I delivered (and yes for those birth-fanatics out there I am using this term intentionally..I will explain why in a later post) a baby on Wednesday that was about 31 or 32 weeks, the mother was unsure and she had had no antenatal care. She was admitted to hospital two days before the baby was born with Malaria. Apparently this is a common cause of preterm birth in the tropics. Anyway, the baby fell into my hands and I was extremely shocked at its size..a tiny baby boy. It was not obvious on abdonimal palpation that it was so small. He was able to stay skin-to-skin with its mother and cried vigorously right away - a great sign! We were able to drip feed him some colostrum from the mothers breast before he was taken to the neonatal unit. I stopped by the next day and he appeared to be doing well. Maybe he will be a lucky one - only time will tell.
...I walked in the labour ward on the morning of Friday, the 18th of October 2013 tentatively optimistic about what the day would have in store, armed with insect repellant and hand sanitizer. I had already had two full days of overwhelming orientation to birth in the Pacific Islands. I had assumed that being within a few short weeks of formally finishing my midwifery training would have me at least somewhat prepared for what I would find on this placement. I expected to be working somewhat independently, and under somewhat challenging circumstances.
It turns out "somewhat" is the understatement of the year. I determined quickly that a routine of sanitizing and insect-repelling every hour or after every birth (depending on which came first) would protect my OCD-inclined mind if nothing else. I also became exceedingly grateful for every minute of my formal and informal midwifery training within the first hour of my experience at this particular base hospital.
..On this particular morning I pushed open the sticky double doors, dodged the nighttime nurse aid who was mopping up a bit of a spill, and saw my colleague-of-sorts, a medical student from Australia in his last year of training who had arrived just days before me, and was certainly just as culture shocked. He was at the end of the delivery ward corridor, staring blankly through the glass window into the baby treatment room. I joined him and said good-morning, while peering through the smudged glass myself. I saw what appeared to be an extremely small infant wrapped in too-big blankets, left under a heater beside an oxygen mask. It was impossible to tell if it was breathing but in all honesty I didn't really want to know if it wasn't*. Alex looked at me and raised his eyebrows questioningly. I shrugged and turned around, heading back down the corridor of delivery rooms, toward the First Stage room where women labour together while waiting their turn to give birth. Alex followed and on our way we could hear and see and smell post-delivery damage-control and suturing in progress..It was 8:30 am, already unbearably hot, and my stomach turned....And, to borrow from author Jane Yeadon, "not for the first time in a career on which I was so determined, I wondered why on earth I was pursuing it".
We made it down to the First Stage room and opened the double doors to find about 4 women sprawled on plastic covered mattresses, a ceiling fan whirring overhead, and blood splattered all over the floor. We looked at each other and had to laugh.
"Well, what a great way to start a day!" Alex chimed with an I'm-so-overwhelmed-I-dont-know-what-else-to-say smile.
"We better go get changed and join the fun..." I grumbled as we dispersed.
After we were dressed, sanitized, and the insects were repelled, we returned to the first stage room. One of the woman labouring was carrying suspected twins. Neither she nor the midwives were sure, or seemed to care much one way or the other. Alex and I did not understand this laid back attitude toward what she could potentially be carrying in her uterus and we attempted in our recently trained naiveness to figure it out. I relied on my abdominal palpation skills and Alex dragged out an old sonogram machine he was sure he could get working well enough to detect twins on scan. While we were mucking around with all of this, the woman informed one of the midwives she was ready to give birth. The midwife instructed me to check her cervical dilation, which I did behind the privacy of a curtain on what they called the 'VE bed'. She was fully dilated and a baby was indeed ready to come, at +3 station, which means it is basically one push away! We were off to delivery room 4, through the double doors and down the corridor with the baby treatment room at the end.
It was decided that I would facilitate the delivery, Alex would watch and a midwife would supervise within earshot if we needed her. I was terrified, as my only experience of twin births so far involve many machines, many doctors, lots of equipment, at least 2 midwives, and "ideally" an epidural. All I had were my two hands, a metal bed, a rubber mat, a bucket, some injectable drugs to control bleeding, and a woman who was ready to push her baby ('s) out!
My prediction on the baby being about one push away was correct. After it was out, crying in all its glory, the midwife and I both assessed the woman's abdomen and determined that it (thankfully) did not contain another baby. The mother seemed very happy with this news as well. I don't know if the fact that she already had 2 children had anything to do with it ;)
The day before had been an intense days, with Alex and I both facilitating three births each and witnessing several more, including some complications and one footling breech birth. We were hot and tired and still a bit shell-shocked. So after the twins-that-turned-out-not-to-be we left to find some coconuts for lunch and bring them back for the staff.
Coconuts here are more delicious than anything I have tasted in a long time. After using a straw to drink the copious amount of amazingly sweet and tastes-like-its-good-for-you water inside (which, I have been informed, has actually been used as IV fluid in times when desperate measures need to be taken and saline fluid is not available), the coconut is smashed on any rock or hard thing you can find and the creamy white flesh scooped out with a spoon, or your hands (don't forget the sanitizer!) if you don't have access to proper cutlery. They are so filling and refreshing, they almost make for an entire meal - especially in the heat when the last thing you feel like doing is eating anything!
So it honestly did turn out to be a good day in the end. I didn't attend any more births but hung out with some labouring women and midwives for a few hours in the afternoon before heading off for a cold drink in the amazingly air-conditioned ex-pat cafe in town (where all the white people hide during the hottest hours of the day...)
After facilitating 6 births in 3 days I was happy to leave early and take a few hours to myself in the afternoon. The hospital staff are so incredibly supportive and caring, and were very happy for me to head away early as well.
I took some time to reflect on how fortunate I am to be here. To experience a different culture and a different way of life, birth, death..Although I am terrified of catching everything from Hepatitis to Dengue Fever to everything in between, I am so grateful that I can be confident and sure that God has brought me here with a purpose in mind. If I was not sure of that fact I think it would be much more challenging. But at every opportunity possible He is reminding me that He is good and that He can be trusted (I feel badly that I still need such constant reminders, but it's true..). I think He has been preparing my heart and mind for this adventure for a long time. I often look around at the hospital, at women birthing on what needs to be an efficient production line (3000-4000 births a year!), at the rubber mats being hosed down between deliveries (not much is thought of hygiene here), and at the blood I am rinsing off of my hands and feet every few hours (flipflops/jandals are normal footwear on shift!), and just shake my head in disbelief that I am actually here doing this! It is not something I would have or could have had the courage to do even a year ago. And so I am grateful for the reminders that not only does God care, but that He loves me more than I love myself and He has plans in store for my life and my abilities that are more exciting than anything I could come up with!
I was needing some reassurance the other day after a particularly shocking encounter with a larger amount of blood that I would have liked to be covered in. There was nothing I could do about it at the time, and my over-anxious mind was going crazy with the potential ramifications of who knows what blood-born bacteria and disease I could have been exposed to.
I am not one for the whole "flipping open the bible and verses jumping out at you" thing as I've found it to be a bit cliche and not something I've experienced with any real conviction. But after that incident I came home and literally flicked on my 'bible app' and without so much as a search or turn of the page I read these words that Jesus spoke to his followers:
"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows." (Luke 12:6-7)
...You mean I don't have to be afraid? I can actually trust that God cares for me and will protect me? Why do I have to learn this lesson new again every single day!?
Great is His patience and faithfulness, and so thankful is my weak mind and heart!
*The small baby we saw in the morning had died the night before, being only 28 weeks (ish) gestation and with no Pediatrician available. Even if there was one, there is not the capacity to care for such small infants in the neonatal unit here, and most born before about 33 weeks do not survive.
.I delivered (and yes for those birth-fanatics out there I am using this term intentionally..I will explain why in a later post) a baby on Wednesday that was about 31 or 32 weeks, the mother was unsure and she had had no antenatal care. She was admitted to hospital two days before the baby was born with Malaria. Apparently this is a common cause of preterm birth in the tropics. Anyway, the baby fell into my hands and I was extremely shocked at its size..a tiny baby boy. It was not obvious on abdonimal palpation that it was so small. He was able to stay skin-to-skin with its mother and cried vigorously right away - a great sign! We were able to drip feed him some colostrum from the mothers breast before he was taken to the neonatal unit. I stopped by the next day and he appeared to be doing well. Maybe he will be a lucky one - only time will tell.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Life, in all its glory
The hip bone's connected to the, birth bone....
.....
....Ok, ok. So maybe there is no birth bone. Maybe its actually the fusion of pelvic, ishium, and sacral bones that make up the pelvic girdle which facilitates the mechanism of normal labour. And maybe my head is about to explode due to the amount of anatomy and physiology crammed within it.
I have nearly 5 weeks left of the regularly scheduled midwifery yr 1 program. It's hard to believe it's coming to a close so quickly. I feel like the pace is so fast that I am barely able to grasp a concept before rushing on to understand the next. Never mind leaving time for anything to soak it or percolate or solidify in my brain, there is no time for that. Within the last 6 weeks, I have written 4 term papers. The topics were Sustainability in midwifery practice, Maori health and the Treaty of Waitangi, Nutrition for the childbearing year, and a case study on the childbirth experience of one of my clients. I am currently working on my 5th (and thank God, final) big assignment of the year, which is a portfolio of evidence, proving that I have achieved several competencies set out by the NZ college of midwives and modified for first year students. I go in tomorrow morning to review the portfolio with my student practice facilitator, who will then give me feedback from many of the women and midwives I have worked with this year, and will give me my final mark for the particular class that the portfolio represents.
Oi.
Honestly, I think the worst part of all of this is not remembering half of what I've written. How can you, when there is just SO MUCH to do?
Although, it's not like I haven't been distracted by other aspects of life as well.
Stevens been living up in Wellington since the beginning of October. He was here in Dunedin with me for about three weeks before he got a job and moved up there. Our current 'plan' (if you can call it that) is that I will be moving up there as well once I'm done for the year here, and will be transferring and completing 2nd and 3rd year in Wellington.
He's been looking for work down here in Dunedin since he moved, but so far every opportunity has fallen through. The doors are not opening, as it were.
Needless to say it's been a bit stressful. Steven hardly knows anyone up there apart from the folks he works with, and is definitely feeling the same pain that I felt back in February when I was first left to fend for myself in Dunedin.
It's not easy. He wants to be here, and I want him to be here. But it seems like there may be a bigger plan in the works than either of us are aware of.
It also won't be easy to leave this beautiful city that I have called home for the past 10 months. I really, truly love it here. God has blessed me with an abundance of real, authentic friendships, with opportunities to serve in my church and in my wider community doing things that I simply love to do. And every couple of weeks when I crawl out of the school library for some company and fresh air, I am completely amazed once again by the beauty that surrounds me. I am still discovering new beaches, mountains, coves, rivers, forest walks and everything in between and hearing of many more such spots that I haven't been able to get to yet, all within just a few minutes of my back door. Add to this the joy of friendship, the smell of campfire and the roar of the ocean waves and yes, it makes it very hard to leave.
Also I think there is more to it than that. There is something about establishing yourself as an individual, away from the safety and security of family and familiar faces and places.. There is something about new growth..Spiritual, personal, humbling, it-hurts-but-you-know-its-good-for-you type growth, your-mom-and-dad-aren't-here-so-you-have-to-do-it-yourself type growth...I guess really it's growing-up type growth, that kind of attaches you to the place and space that facilitated it.
I truly, truly believe that God can take every and any situation, no matter how bad it may seem to be, and bring good out of it. Even if we cannot see what that good is initially (or sometimes ever in this life), I believe deep in my core that His promises are true, that He is a safe and good God, and that He can use all situations in our life for His glory. I am so incredibly thankful for this year, and that He has shown me the truth of such things. I honestly felt like it was the worst decision I had ever made coming over here and letting my husband leave me alone in a foreign country last February. I was distraught, upset, confused, and didn't know why it had to happen that way. I couldn't see the forest through the trees, and couldn't see past the end of my nose to realize that maybe God had bigger plans for me this year than attending to my immediate happiness and comfort. It's amazing how much it takes sometimes to make us truly see and appreciate our relationship with God. I'm ashamed to admit that it literally took Him removing every aspect of comfort from my life for me to ''get it'', and begin to rely not on my mom or my husband or even my precious puppy for love and companionship, but on God and God alone.
It took some time. Time that I would not have given as completely or as willingly if I had been living with my husband. That much is true, and is not something I would have, or could have, realized or admitted last February.
And that, in a nutshell, is why I am trusting God about this move to Wellington. Although it will break me in a lot of ways, and it will undo a lot of work I have put into building my community around me this year, I have to remember that the last time I was broken, God provided and filled my life in ways I never could have imagined. Although it will be hard, I want to give Him the opportunity to show me whats next. I want to be willing to be broken, displaced, and maybe even a little scared. Not knowing what next year will bring means that I can leave it fully and completely in the hands of the One who not only knows whats best for me, but also whats best for my husband, my marriage, our life together and our hearts to serve and glorify Him.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:25-34
.....
....Ok, ok. So maybe there is no birth bone. Maybe its actually the fusion of pelvic, ishium, and sacral bones that make up the pelvic girdle which facilitates the mechanism of normal labour. And maybe my head is about to explode due to the amount of anatomy and physiology crammed within it.
I have nearly 5 weeks left of the regularly scheduled midwifery yr 1 program. It's hard to believe it's coming to a close so quickly. I feel like the pace is so fast that I am barely able to grasp a concept before rushing on to understand the next. Never mind leaving time for anything to soak it or percolate or solidify in my brain, there is no time for that. Within the last 6 weeks, I have written 4 term papers. The topics were Sustainability in midwifery practice, Maori health and the Treaty of Waitangi, Nutrition for the childbearing year, and a case study on the childbirth experience of one of my clients. I am currently working on my 5th (and thank God, final) big assignment of the year, which is a portfolio of evidence, proving that I have achieved several competencies set out by the NZ college of midwives and modified for first year students. I go in tomorrow morning to review the portfolio with my student practice facilitator, who will then give me feedback from many of the women and midwives I have worked with this year, and will give me my final mark for the particular class that the portfolio represents.
Oi.
Honestly, I think the worst part of all of this is not remembering half of what I've written. How can you, when there is just SO MUCH to do?
Although, it's not like I haven't been distracted by other aspects of life as well.
Stevens been living up in Wellington since the beginning of October. He was here in Dunedin with me for about three weeks before he got a job and moved up there. Our current 'plan' (if you can call it that) is that I will be moving up there as well once I'm done for the year here, and will be transferring and completing 2nd and 3rd year in Wellington.
He's been looking for work down here in Dunedin since he moved, but so far every opportunity has fallen through. The doors are not opening, as it were.
Needless to say it's been a bit stressful. Steven hardly knows anyone up there apart from the folks he works with, and is definitely feeling the same pain that I felt back in February when I was first left to fend for myself in Dunedin.
It's not easy. He wants to be here, and I want him to be here. But it seems like there may be a bigger plan in the works than either of us are aware of.
It also won't be easy to leave this beautiful city that I have called home for the past 10 months. I really, truly love it here. God has blessed me with an abundance of real, authentic friendships, with opportunities to serve in my church and in my wider community doing things that I simply love to do. And every couple of weeks when I crawl out of the school library for some company and fresh air, I am completely amazed once again by the beauty that surrounds me. I am still discovering new beaches, mountains, coves, rivers, forest walks and everything in between and hearing of many more such spots that I haven't been able to get to yet, all within just a few minutes of my back door. Add to this the joy of friendship, the smell of campfire and the roar of the ocean waves and yes, it makes it very hard to leave.
Also I think there is more to it than that. There is something about establishing yourself as an individual, away from the safety and security of family and familiar faces and places.. There is something about new growth..Spiritual, personal, humbling, it-hurts-but-you-know-its-good-for-you type growth, your-mom-and-dad-aren't-here-so-you-have-to-do-it-yourself type growth...I guess really it's growing-up type growth, that kind of attaches you to the place and space that facilitated it.
I truly, truly believe that God can take every and any situation, no matter how bad it may seem to be, and bring good out of it. Even if we cannot see what that good is initially (or sometimes ever in this life), I believe deep in my core that His promises are true, that He is a safe and good God, and that He can use all situations in our life for His glory. I am so incredibly thankful for this year, and that He has shown me the truth of such things. I honestly felt like it was the worst decision I had ever made coming over here and letting my husband leave me alone in a foreign country last February. I was distraught, upset, confused, and didn't know why it had to happen that way. I couldn't see the forest through the trees, and couldn't see past the end of my nose to realize that maybe God had bigger plans for me this year than attending to my immediate happiness and comfort. It's amazing how much it takes sometimes to make us truly see and appreciate our relationship with God. I'm ashamed to admit that it literally took Him removing every aspect of comfort from my life for me to ''get it'', and begin to rely not on my mom or my husband or even my precious puppy for love and companionship, but on God and God alone.
It took some time. Time that I would not have given as completely or as willingly if I had been living with my husband. That much is true, and is not something I would have, or could have, realized or admitted last February.
And that, in a nutshell, is why I am trusting God about this move to Wellington. Although it will break me in a lot of ways, and it will undo a lot of work I have put into building my community around me this year, I have to remember that the last time I was broken, God provided and filled my life in ways I never could have imagined. Although it will be hard, I want to give Him the opportunity to show me whats next. I want to be willing to be broken, displaced, and maybe even a little scared. Not knowing what next year will bring means that I can leave it fully and completely in the hands of the One who not only knows whats best for me, but also whats best for my husband, my marriage, our life together and our hearts to serve and glorify Him.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Matthew 6:25-34
Wellington
<3
Friday, July 15, 2011
Baby, get ready (written January 1st 2011)
2010. Over and done. Never to be repeated again for the rest of time (thank God).
2011. It has a future-ish ring to it, doesn't it?
The new year brings with it so many new things. New hopes, new fears, new resolutions, new determination.
New reflection of the past year and the memories it holds, both good and bad.
New anticipation about what this new year will bring.
I am so excited for so many things this year!
I really can't wait to meet my classmates and teachers and start school..Because once I've started I'm just that much closer to being finished..To being a midwife!!
Three years from today, January 1st 2014, I will have caught multiple babies. I will have gotten up in the middle of the night to attend a woman in labour. I will have learned more about the anatomy and physiology of pregnancy and childbirth than I can even imagine at this point. I will have already loved and hated almost every aspect of my future job and life, probably often at the same time. I will feel confident and knowledgeable about current research and common obstetrical practices. I will be able to share this knowledge with new parents, and if I cannot answer their questions myself I will know where to look to find the answers. I will know the importance of nutrition for pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I do have a few very good memories from 2010. New friendships were grown, and a few very special old ones rekindled. We brought home our dear doggy, traveled to Belize and saw Brad Paisley, Darius Rucker, and Carrie Underwood in concert. We watched hockey games, walked our dog, ate food. We loved and were loved by our wonderful families, who we have been so blessed to live close to.
Old year, we will miss you, but won't forget. New year, so much in store!
2011. It has a future-ish ring to it, doesn't it?
The new year brings with it so many new things. New hopes, new fears, new resolutions, new determination.
New reflection of the past year and the memories it holds, both good and bad.
New anticipation about what this new year will bring.
I am so excited for so many things this year!
I really can't wait to meet my classmates and teachers and start school..Because once I've started I'm just that much closer to being finished..To being a midwife!!
Three years from today, January 1st 2014, I will have caught multiple babies. I will have gotten up in the middle of the night to attend a woman in labour. I will have learned more about the anatomy and physiology of pregnancy and childbirth than I can even imagine at this point. I will have already loved and hated almost every aspect of my future job and life, probably often at the same time. I will feel confident and knowledgeable about current research and common obstetrical practices. I will be able to share this knowledge with new parents, and if I cannot answer their questions myself I will know where to look to find the answers. I will know the importance of nutrition for pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I do have a few very good memories from 2010. New friendships were grown, and a few very special old ones rekindled. We brought home our dear doggy, traveled to Belize and saw Brad Paisley, Darius Rucker, and Carrie Underwood in concert. We watched hockey games, walked our dog, ate food. We loved and were loved by our wonderful families, who we have been so blessed to live close to.
Old year, we will miss you, but won't forget. New year, so much in store!
What would a girl do without her friends? (written mid January 2011)
I wrote this post in January, and really have no idea why it never got passed the "draft" stage!! I probably just forgot to hit 'publish':)
I am so richly blessed in the friend department..I felt honoured, sad, joyful, and teary this afternoon as I gathered with my lovely West Coast Doula ladies (www.westcoastdoulas.com) for a bit of a farewell party. Everyone brought such delicious. homey food to share, and we visited about life and birth and of course New Zealand and midwifery.
As we shared food and life, I couldn't help but think about what an amazing gift this year of West Coast Doulas has been to me. What a huge blessing and preparation-in-disguise it has been to be a founding member in such a dynamic and caring group of women! I have learned so much, and now feel so supported in my decision to follow my dreams. Support really is worth so much more than it is given credit for!
I had very few words this afternoon, and I still have little to say but thank you. It means so much more than I can say to know each one of these caring women.
Before my meeting with the ladies we spent some time in Nanaimo and attended our church out there early this morning (www.themeetingplace.org). Heard such a relevant message about fear..and about how our biggest fears in life are often based around what we feel is our reason for living... The fear of losing what we hold dearest and closest is what haunts most people. By placing those fears in God, by making him the thing we hold closest in life, the power of fear disappears as God will never leave, nor can He ever be taken away.
Quite relevant for me anyway, as I'm facing some of my biggest fears in leaving my precious family <3
I hope God can teach me to love him more, and to make him the thing that I hold nearest and dearest.
I am so richly blessed in the friend department..I felt honoured, sad, joyful, and teary this afternoon as I gathered with my lovely West Coast Doula ladies (www.westcoastdoulas.com) for a bit of a farewell party. Everyone brought such delicious. homey food to share, and we visited about life and birth and of course New Zealand and midwifery.
As we shared food and life, I couldn't help but think about what an amazing gift this year of West Coast Doulas has been to me. What a huge blessing and preparation-in-disguise it has been to be a founding member in such a dynamic and caring group of women! I have learned so much, and now feel so supported in my decision to follow my dreams. Support really is worth so much more than it is given credit for!
I had very few words this afternoon, and I still have little to say but thank you. It means so much more than I can say to know each one of these caring women.
Before my meeting with the ladies we spent some time in Nanaimo and attended our church out there early this morning (www.themeetingplace.org). Heard such a relevant message about fear..and about how our biggest fears in life are often based around what we feel is our reason for living... The fear of losing what we hold dearest and closest is what haunts most people. By placing those fears in God, by making him the thing we hold closest in life, the power of fear disappears as God will never leave, nor can He ever be taken away.
Quite relevant for me anyway, as I'm facing some of my biggest fears in leaving my precious family <3
I hope God can teach me to love him more, and to make him the thing that I hold nearest and dearest.
Ok...
So, I sounded kind of full of myself and my opinions in that last post.
It was really not meant to come across that way.
It's not my intention to offend or insult anyone else's choices..I am just seeing and learning and doing so much new stuff on a daily basis that I feel like I need a place to vent my (albeit ethnocentric, slightly outrageous, one-sided and yes even egotistical) opinions!
..Maybe I need to include a warning in the blog heading!
Or maybe I just need to keep my observations to myself.
It was really not meant to come across that way.
It's not my intention to offend or insult anyone else's choices..I am just seeing and learning and doing so much new stuff on a daily basis that I feel like I need a place to vent my (albeit ethnocentric, slightly outrageous, one-sided and yes even egotistical) opinions!
..Maybe I need to include a warning in the blog heading!
Or maybe I just need to keep my observations to myself.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Long overdue.
Clearly the best way to start a new blog post would be to apologize for the length of time it's been since the last one. But, knowing how much you all love me and have long ago forgiven my horrible blogging skills, I'm going to skip that part.
It's nearly mid-July. It's been 21 weeks (147 days), 6 hours and 57 minutes since I watched my husbands plane fly out of Dunedin airport.
Not that I want you to feel sorry for me or anything ..........
......
...........nah. I'm not one for sympathy:)
Honestly, these past 5 months have felt like the longest and the shortest of my life, combined. I know that sounds impossible but it isn't, trust me.
I've spent time mostly on school, sometimes on fun, and every now and then on something completely random like wasting time on facebook;)
I've learned many clinical skills (was the last one I wrote about really donning rubber gloves? That almost feels embarrassing!) such as blood pressure auscultation, intermuscular and subcutaneous injections, IV medication administration and venepuncture (yes, that means taking bloods).
I have also written several assigments and two exams, and have spent nearly 200 hours in the maternity ward of the city hospital. I know more about breastfeeding than I thought was possible without experiencing it, and have now perfected the art of folding cloth 'nappies'.
Apparently I say 'chups' instead of 'chips' (although I still can't hear the difference) and my 'awesome' has a definite kiwi ring to it.
...I even like vegemite! (shh. don't tell my husband.)
Yes, it's been an experience. I watched the epic rise and fall of the Canucks 2011 season from a litte sports bar called the 'baa'. yes. The Baa Bar...The two words sound exactly the same coming from a kiwi...just like 'Bear' and 'Beer'.....Anyway...
I've been to a steam-punk gala in a cute little town called Oamaru, and have been a tourist in the well-known Queenstown for Winterfest, although much to our disappointment the snow didn't turn up to meet us there.
Speaking of snow, it came blustering down out of a giant dark cloud for the first time in Dunedin, today. Well, the first time this year, anyway. It's the first time in my life that I've seen it snow in July...and to be honest, it wasn't that much more remarkable than when it snows in January!
Basically, every day Ive been trying to focus on every day, and having been trying not to get too ahead of myself thinking about the fact that there are still 2.5 years left between me and midwifery. Each day has enough trouble of it's own, I have discovered over and over again.
God is faithful. Even when I am the most sleep deprived and the most stressed and the most just missing my family more than anything in the world, He is still here, still caring for me in ways that make me laugh out loud and just shake my head at His amazing provision and continued guidance and support.
I would not still be here without Him, I can tell you that much with absolute certainty.
At the moment I am looking forward to getting a few major projects behind me (if anyone is interested in the Mechanism of Normal Labour, let me tell you a story....) because I am going HOME for three weeks on August 13th!!!! I will be attending a wedding of some very dear friends, saying a MUCH needed hello to my amazing family and sweet puppy dog, and will be returning to NZ on September 2nd..HUSBAND IN TOW....Thank you Jesus, his work visa has finally come through. Steven will be joining (and STAYING WITH) me after the summer (/winter) and I simply cannot wait to share my life with him again. Living on your own is quite a funny thing after nearly 4 years of marriage..I can't imagine the adjustment that separation of any kind must be for people who have been together for even longer than that. NO FUN, let me tell you! Lots of growth, change, strengthening, and reliance on God, but not very much fun at all!
Sorry this has been quite bland and to the point, but it is well past my bedtime and I have an overly-full day of presentations, prayer meetings and yoga to look forward to tomorrow!
I will try to include some fun stories or other interesting elements in the next update:)
Love to you all and I hope you are enjoying the summer sunshine as much as you possibly can.
Warmest Blessings,
Kait.
It's nearly mid-July. It's been 21 weeks (147 days), 6 hours and 57 minutes since I watched my husbands plane fly out of Dunedin airport.
Not that I want you to feel sorry for me or anything ..........
......
...........nah. I'm not one for sympathy:)
Honestly, these past 5 months have felt like the longest and the shortest of my life, combined. I know that sounds impossible but it isn't, trust me.
I've spent time mostly on school, sometimes on fun, and every now and then on something completely random like wasting time on facebook;)
I've learned many clinical skills (was the last one I wrote about really donning rubber gloves? That almost feels embarrassing!) such as blood pressure auscultation, intermuscular and subcutaneous injections, IV medication administration and venepuncture (yes, that means taking bloods).
I have also written several assigments and two exams, and have spent nearly 200 hours in the maternity ward of the city hospital. I know more about breastfeeding than I thought was possible without experiencing it, and have now perfected the art of folding cloth 'nappies'.
Apparently I say 'chups' instead of 'chips' (although I still can't hear the difference) and my 'awesome' has a definite kiwi ring to it.
...I even like vegemite! (shh. don't tell my husband.)
Yes, it's been an experience. I watched the epic rise and fall of the Canucks 2011 season from a litte sports bar called the 'baa'. yes. The Baa Bar...The two words sound exactly the same coming from a kiwi...just like 'Bear' and 'Beer'.....Anyway...
I've been to a steam-punk gala in a cute little town called Oamaru, and have been a tourist in the well-known Queenstown for Winterfest, although much to our disappointment the snow didn't turn up to meet us there.
Speaking of snow, it came blustering down out of a giant dark cloud for the first time in Dunedin, today. Well, the first time this year, anyway. It's the first time in my life that I've seen it snow in July...and to be honest, it wasn't that much more remarkable than when it snows in January!
Basically, every day Ive been trying to focus on every day, and having been trying not to get too ahead of myself thinking about the fact that there are still 2.5 years left between me and midwifery. Each day has enough trouble of it's own, I have discovered over and over again.
God is faithful. Even when I am the most sleep deprived and the most stressed and the most just missing my family more than anything in the world, He is still here, still caring for me in ways that make me laugh out loud and just shake my head at His amazing provision and continued guidance and support.
I would not still be here without Him, I can tell you that much with absolute certainty.
At the moment I am looking forward to getting a few major projects behind me (if anyone is interested in the Mechanism of Normal Labour, let me tell you a story....) because I am going HOME for three weeks on August 13th!!!! I will be attending a wedding of some very dear friends, saying a MUCH needed hello to my amazing family and sweet puppy dog, and will be returning to NZ on September 2nd..HUSBAND IN TOW....Thank you Jesus, his work visa has finally come through. Steven will be joining (and STAYING WITH) me after the summer (/winter) and I simply cannot wait to share my life with him again. Living on your own is quite a funny thing after nearly 4 years of marriage..I can't imagine the adjustment that separation of any kind must be for people who have been together for even longer than that. NO FUN, let me tell you! Lots of growth, change, strengthening, and reliance on God, but not very much fun at all!
Sorry this has been quite bland and to the point, but it is well past my bedtime and I have an overly-full day of presentations, prayer meetings and yoga to look forward to tomorrow!
I will try to include some fun stories or other interesting elements in the next update:)
Love to you all and I hope you are enjoying the summer sunshine as much as you possibly can.
Warmest Blessings,
Kait.
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