the end (?)

I found an old poem today as I was packing up the desk that has held copious amounts of paperwork, assignments, cards, books, and other junk all year.
I think (?) someone gave me a copy of the poem several months ago. It spoke to me at the time but was promptly forgotten about as I carried on with the insanity that was my life at the time.
 Anyway it spoke to me again today, and so I thought I would share it with you.


'Do you Trust Me, ....?"
by Wendell Berry

Whatever is forseen in joy
Must be lived out from day to day
Vision held open in the dark
By our ten thousand days of work.
Harvest will fill the barn; for that
The hand must ache, the face must sweat
And yet no leaf or grain is filled
By work of ours; the field is tilled
And left to grace. That we may reap,
Great work is done while we're asleep.
When we work well, a sabboth mood
Rests on our day, and finds it good.


 The poem holds a number of truths for me.. and as I reflect on the year (the three years!) that has been, it is more clear than ever to me that it is literally nothing but grace that has brought me this far.

That's not to say it hasn't been hard work. My hands have definitely ached and my face sweat more than a few times. But in the end, the transformation in my life has not occurred thanks to working hard. More times than I can count I have thrown my hands in the air, and often even out loud said "ok God, this is all I've got! If all of this is going to be for any good at all, You better step in and do your thing, because this is literally all I've got."

 Without really even realizing it, I have become to depend on grace more than I ever have in my life. I have become more dependent on God than I ever have been in my life.

In retrospect, this journey has been about 10% about becoming a midwife, and 90% about learning through trial and fire how extremely and overwhelmingly incredible it is to live in the freedom of being deeply loved by God. It has changed me. I personally believe that this change has been for the better, and that it comes through in my personal relationships, my lifestyle, and in passion for midwifery.

All I can speak from is personal experience, and that's all I mean to share here. Everyone has a different journey, a different story. But I am pretty excited about my story, and I am so grateful for a place to express that!

These have been some of the hardest years of my life. But they have also been some of the richest, and most meaningful. I have developed deep relationships, made meaningful connections and discoveries about life and love, and have been supported, encouraged, and mentored by some of the most caring people, the most compassionate midwives, some of the wisest truth-seeking people, both at home and in this new place I have come to call home..

At the end of it all I am pleased and grateful to call myself midwife (although I know legally that is still a no-no ..don't get our exam results & registration until February!), but I am even more pleased to love and to be loved..A love that flows in and through me from the perfecter and creator of love, a love that has been cultivated and grown despite my anxieties and misgivings. It is a gift, and I am so pleased to receive it.

 I still have a long way to go... And the future is going to include a lot of really hard work- probably even some more ache and sweat. But I can and do honestly choose to believe, with my hope securely fastened to the only thing that won't change in this life, that the grace that has brought me safely thus far will also go before me and lead me home. The best is yet to come!